Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
