I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
