you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
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