I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
