Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
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While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
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Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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