The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
