im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize
