420 ftw
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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