Dude my mom stole all your condoms
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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