You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
