Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
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