She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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