I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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