I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Ladies don't puke and tell
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
