I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
