White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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