just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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