and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Randomize
