I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
should my penis look like a turkey
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
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