meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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