Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
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