2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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