You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
