yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I accidentally had phone sex last night
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
