I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
