just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
im holly from the hills drunk
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
