***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
