It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I will pee on everything he values.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
