my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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