I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
