did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
