when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
