I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
