This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
