When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize