i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I can't trust your balls anymore.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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