She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
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Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
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He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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