The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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