I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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