toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
