Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
