my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
