kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
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