Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
