I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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