sorry about calling you the devil all night.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
