I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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