So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
