I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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