How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
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