U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
