Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
