take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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