all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Randomize
