I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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