The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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